so what am i to believe?

over the years, i have come to believe and trust in a certain script for my life. and that if i only but had faith in the Creator and writer of that script, then that which was best for me would unfold itself and manifest in my life as the path for me to follow. this concept has worked pretty well for me up to this point. and even now, i know i still have that faith. however, as it was 3 years ago, and as it was 4 years before that, i cannot escape a feeling of anxiety about where my path is going. this is not to be confused with fear; no, fear would be my reluctance to make these dynamic moves and changes in my life. that is not, nor has it ever really been the case, because i am confident in the moves that have to be made. there is no going back once the decision to make them has been made. it can be altered, sure. it can even be changed. but there is no going backwards. there is no reversal of a thought process. it notion has been put into the cosmos and as such, the winds have blown and the tides have turn.

is it not that simple?

is it not enough to simply accept the fact that decisions are direct results of our own thought processes, however large or minuscule? and as such, are our actions not direct results of those decisions? therefore, my initial thought process to follow the aforementioned script placed on my heart by the Creator is thereby a decision, and results in action regardless of how instant or gradual that action may be.


which brings me to my conundrum. i have realized that this is as simple of a idea as it isn't. following one's script, or destiny (as some would put it), takes focus, discipline, order, and patience. all of which is very hard to come by when you're surrounded by excitement regarding everything contrary to them. our society doesn't seem to be built for such facets of mentality. our nation doesn't seem to be equipped with the tools necessary for these elements of life to be cultivated and refined. our hype, as a nation, is often geared towards the appraisal of sex, drugs, violence, money, fashion, and any other superficial or materialistic entity that captures the attention of masses. it must always be bigger, stronger, faster, brighter, newer, sexier, and more profitable than the last.

this is not new, nor does it look like it will ever change. my conundrum is not based on this notion, but rather how i play into it. am i to imagine myself above said hype. am i not to subscribe to the energy of our society and its trends for the sake of my own self-discovery and scripted journey? and if i am to indulge, how much is too much? how far do i go before i'm in too deep? before i abandon my quest for self-actualization and focus primarily on the artificial value of the American priority system?? how long do i subscribe until the hollowness becomes that in which i find relative meaning?


am i to believe that balance can be maintained between finding the meaning of my life and subscribing to the mainstream of our culture? am i to believe that there is no separation of the two, but that they are but opposite sides of the same reality? or am i to choose?

am i to believe that i even have a choice?