puerto rico #5 (remember to flush)

i am at a pizza place.

the food, i just successfully ordered in spanish. i even finally figured out how to get water in a glass, instead of the bottled water they bring every time by default. it should be arriving shortly.

as i wait, i pull out my laptop (janice) and proceed to read through some blogs before hopping back on the grind. and after getting engrossed in some of my favorite blogs, by some of my favorite people, i looked up. i looked up and around the room for no reason in particular. and, maybe because i saw what appeared to be black americans across the room, or maybe because my brain took longer to pull out of wild cowgirl's world than my eyes did, or maybe because this pizza place just looks vaguely familiar with no real Puerto Rican flair or ambiance, or maybe for all of those reasons - i thought i was back home.

for a split second, maybe two, i could have sworn i was in atlanta, or ny, or chicago, or boston, or any other random city i visit often in the states. i thought i was on the mainland.

this means one of two things. a) i'm starting to feel more at home in Puerto Rico, or b) i'm really growing more and more homesick. i'm going to lean towards the former, solely because i've done the homesick thing before and know that feeling when i get it. i don't think this is that. i think i am assimilating. but only to the degree of being able to cope and survive. if this is indeed assimilation, it has brought to me a very astute cognizance that i am not supposed to be here. yet, in some strange way, i am also clear that i am supposed to be here....and now i sound like a crazy person...

to put that ramble into a frame that makes sense, i realize now that puerto rico is a catalyst for me. a place that i am supposed to be, but for the purpose of moving on somewhere else. it is a pipe in my journey that i am supposed to go through, but not get stuck in. and though this may sound like a given, i find it surprising how many people get stuck in their pipes. through assimilation and routine, through obligations and responsibilities, through fear and insecurity, i think we all run the risk of getting stuck in our catalyst, prolonging the journey set ahead for us if we were to only flush on through.

i have to remind myself, i am not at home. despite conformity and/or integration into that which surrounds me, this is not my home. and though i may not know what this is until it's over and done, i know what it's not. and i have to remember where i'm supposed to be headed, and what i am supposed to do.

my pizza's here.

have a nice day.