kismet 30331

and now i'm here. back in atlanta. 4 years ago, i was barely 21, living in the basement of my parents house, graduating from college. since then, it seems like an entire lifetime has happened. i cannot begin to describe the sensation that i am feeling right now. i suppose, right now at least, it's indescribable. and believe me, i'm trying. i've been sitting at this keyboard for the last 20 minutes trying to think of a good metaphor, analogy, simile, or just plain explanation to just begin to describe what this feels like. where is my mind? where is my heart? what is my plan? for years, i have thought of my life as practice rounds for this very moment, as if my life wouldn't officially start until right now. high school, college, new york, puerto rico, all of it. all of it - practice. and now, it's as if someone suddenly stepped onto the court with a scorecard in hand; like someone appeared on the battlefield and replaced the paintballs with live ammunition. i don't know why i have put such emphasis on this moment in my life. i have no idea why i myself made this the benchmark for life to start keeping score. but it's ingrained. there is nothing i can do about it now but accept it. this is no longer a sparring match - if it ever was. and where my life up to this point as been but a leaf caught in a whirlwind of activity and circumstance, i feel that i have now landed - grounded in the reality that is to be the foundation for my very purpose. and really, that's what i was expecting to happen all along. it's exactly what i thought would happen. it's just what i wanted - to build on my experiences in preparation for what was to be my providence in life. this moment was always supposed to happen.

it just hadn't dawned on me that said moment started tomorrow.