brain tattoo

i was daydreaming.

i was...on a bed, with a woman. i was laying down half-asleep. she was awake, sitting up in the bed. i was naked, but covered by the white bedsheets. she was loosely holding them over her bare breast. she leaned over a bit to inspect a tattoo on my back. and then she let her finger glide over another tattoo on my arm. she climbed closer to my body and removed the cover. she brought her head close to my my shoulder-blade as she attempted to read what i had inked across my neck. softly, but not in a whisper, she said, "what does this one mean?" i wasn't sure whether or not she was speaking to herself, or if she knew i was awake, though, i suppose it doesn't really matter. i didn't answer. and as she continued to examine my bare body, and analyze my inked flesh, my daydream started to end. the scene of us on that bed, in the covers, started to move further from my minds eye. myself still laying there, her still going over the images that intrigued her so.

coming out of the daydream however, i realized that i had tattoos. i had no art etched into my torso, no quotes or figures inked into back, stomach, or chest. i have nothing so much as a piercing, or a crazy birthmark. so, what is there to pick apart? when lying there in bed, and she leans over to learn me in my sleep, or to analyze what is significant in my life, or to grasp what it is i give a damn about...what is there? what do i have to show her?

so...i tatted my brain. and if she wants to learn me in the middle of the night, she's gonna have to pick that. because in truth, that's all i have. no one will be able to tell what i'm about, or where i'm from, or what i would die for, or what it is i live for, without picking apart my brain. analyze what is etched there. inspect the ink in the middle of my cerebellum. evaluate my thoughts as they are portrayed through my actions.

is all i'm saying.

adam smith was wrong

this is an awesome scene for those that remember it. and as basic as we think it might be, or as common of a notion as one might believe it to be, the fact is that many men play by the "adam smith" concept - every man for himself. this simply does not work, as demonstrated in the video below. teamwork i necessary and sacrifices must be made. thoughts?

entry #1

why do i keep trying this over and over? i do like to write, however, i cannot find the time or energy to consistently publish the way i would like to for the sake of those that would consistently read. i've only had one blog that i would consider a success (fourbladesofgrass) and the rest, were just not so.

"untitled" flopped, but was supposed to be my self-published blog via iWeb after i got Janice, my black macbook. it last two entries.

"my monogamy" flopped, but was supposed to be a self-reflective look at life and relationships, or at least an ironic turn of conscious blogging aimed at a significant relationship with an invisibilbe, intangible audience.

"shortonfish" flopped, but was supposed to be my return to the iWeb format, but with a content focused spin, as i was to center the blog on religious thought and society.

and finally, "deep fried cognizance", which hasn't really flopped as much as i just let it go. it was to focus on a collection of short stories. people were feeling the stories, but they were harder to produce than my own freewriting style. plus, i figured if a short-story blog got popular, it would be a matter of time before they were stolen for some random use somewhere else. so i'd rather bring them to this one and have them dilute among the other topics in this particular blog.

hence, i suppose this, "the stalemate", would be my response to just that, a stalemated situation where every other option has been tried and has failed. a resolve that has brought me back to my original position out of sheer default. this is to be a summation of all of the failed attempts to focus on a particular topic or style. yet, in hindsight, i see now that 4blades had that same outfit all along.

could i apply "stalemate" to the current events in my life? probably, but it would be a tricky equation. as i am currently leaving my job of 3 years during an economical storm, only to venture out into nothingness and hope to come back with an even stronger sense of myself and my purpose, no, i can't in all honesty say my life is truly stalemated. my state of mind, on the other hand, is a different story. it seems as though, after 3 years in nyc, learning about myself and my purpose, learning about my strengths and weaknesses, and surviving, my mindset is right back where it started at the beginning - lost.

so, here i am again. pouring myself out to strangers and friends like a bucket of oil on a hardwood floor. and yes, i still fancy random similes.

lets hope this accomplishes it's goal and last longer than two entries. if it doesn't i'll humbly accept the checkmate, and knock the king down.