Parmesan makes me happy?

I went grocery shopping on Wednesday. It was pleasant. My sister went for watermelon. I went for Parmesan cheese. The ladyfriend went to check if blueberry pancakes had gone on sale at any point over the last week. Or to keep us company. I digress. I found myself in the magazine aisle as I so often do, and came across a quote by Ryan Reynolds, an actor I have come to admire over the years for no particular reason whatsoever. The quote was wedged amongst many other headlines on the cramped cover of Men's Health Magazine. It was hardly recognizable actually, and wouldn't have been noted at all if not for the red font that differed from all of the other words on the page. It read, simply, "Happiness is a choice".

Now, I myself cannot vouch for whether or not Ryan Reynolds is indeed happy. Nor can I attest to any credentials or qualifying experiences he has had to make such claims on the matter. I can only go off of the school-boy smile and bold-print quote that was so aimlessly placed upon a random magazine I happen to see at the grocery store. Yet, by time I actually made it to my cheese, the quote had found a way to the mainstreams of my mind, flowing effortlessly into the analytical abyss which resides the corners of my mental stratosphere. Was such a metaphor even called for? No, but it feels good just to take it there for no apparent reason other than to complicate the paragraph.

As I thought on it though, I agree with Reynolds whole-heartedly. Happiness is a choice. Yet, in my opinion, where happiness is an relatively easy choice to identify, it is not necessarily so easy to execute. The choices that make us happy are often times not the choices that are so feasible to make. The hurdles between these choices and our current situations often seem daunting, and difficult. They seem like too much of a risk, and too far from the places where we have grown content. Many of us are simply satisfied with "pseudo-happiness", or "happy enough"; the notion of possibly losing that which we are satisfied with for the chance of attaining true happiness is intimidating, and for some, terrifying.

And so where do we go? When that which we know will make us truly happy is not within arms reach. When the choice to make the steps that will ultimately fulfill us seems too far to capture, too high to attain, or too difficult to grasp. I don't know Ryan Reynolds answer to this, but I'm sure it's a good one. He seems like an awesome guy. As for me though, I offer the following:

1. God. My first answer to everything is often, in my opinion, the best answer for everything. Yet, just because the answer is simply put, doesn't mean that the answer is simple here. I do not mean "God" in the sense of going to church and expecting an answer to hit you from the sky. I mean, talk with some people that you believe truly have a solid relationship with God. Discuss with some people close to you about their experiences with their faith. And BY ALL MEANS, please, if you find someone, make sure it's someone that cares about you. If you don't, you may very well end up with someone who just wants to quote scriptures and get you in the choir so as to help out their alto section. I've seen it happen. Take your time, and pray about it best you know how.

2. Friends. Make them, and appreciate them. Whether one is considered friend because they are in your family, or family because they are your friend, perspective is irrelevant here. A good friend is worth more than any tangible item you can place your hands on. Treat them as such, and they'll listen, and will cross mountains to help you attain that which you feel is unattainable.

3. Research. Don't be a dumbass. Look into the steps necessary to make the choice of happiness. Make a list, make a plan. Identify what is holding you back. Analyze what you need to advance. And most important, really contemplate what happiness is, and what it means for you. Happiness is not getting some other woman's man, or sleeping with a particular lady you've been interested in. At least, I haven't seen it described as such. Cmon. I'm saying plan, not plot. Happiness is definitely not attaining boatloads of money and fame, ask any rich and famous person, it's not secret. If you're having problems with understanding happiness, refer back to #1, please. I beg you. Please do not equate tangible goods and accomplishments with happiness. These things are short-lived and temporary; whereas true happiness is eternal.

I could be wrong though. Ryan Reynolds could be just as wrong. These are just our opinions. We come to these conclusions based on our own experiences and lessons, coupled with the experiences and lessons learned by others. Reynolds and I, that is.

Good luck on the search, and for those that have already made the choice to be happy, I say congratulations. Pass on the love.

Have a nice day.

kismet 30331

and now i'm here. back in atlanta. 4 years ago, i was barely 21, living in the basement of my parents house, graduating from college. since then, it seems like an entire lifetime has happened. i cannot begin to describe the sensation that i am feeling right now. i suppose, right now at least, it's indescribable. and believe me, i'm trying. i've been sitting at this keyboard for the last 20 minutes trying to think of a good metaphor, analogy, simile, or just plain explanation to just begin to describe what this feels like. where is my mind? where is my heart? what is my plan? for years, i have thought of my life as practice rounds for this very moment, as if my life wouldn't officially start until right now. high school, college, new york, puerto rico, all of it. all of it - practice. and now, it's as if someone suddenly stepped onto the court with a scorecard in hand; like someone appeared on the battlefield and replaced the paintballs with live ammunition. i don't know why i have put such emphasis on this moment in my life. i have no idea why i myself made this the benchmark for life to start keeping score. but it's ingrained. there is nothing i can do about it now but accept it. this is no longer a sparring match - if it ever was. and where my life up to this point as been but a leaf caught in a whirlwind of activity and circumstance, i feel that i have now landed - grounded in the reality that is to be the foundation for my very purpose. and really, that's what i was expecting to happen all along. it's exactly what i thought would happen. it's just what i wanted - to build on my experiences in preparation for what was to be my providence in life. this moment was always supposed to happen.

it just hadn't dawned on me that said moment started tomorrow.

puerto rico #7 - Time Wallower

i was bored one day a while back. so i decided to cut my own hair. as you see here, it came out odd, but not half bad. it got me through the week without looking like a pom-pom, ate up a good bit of time, and saved me a few dollars. besides the bald spot i covered up with a Sharpie marker, i think it was a win-win situation.

my boredom here in this place has been of direct consequence of various factors. 1) my hesitancy to invest in long-lasting friendships because i'll be gone in 4 weeks; 2) my hesitancy to invest in long-lasting friendships because i can't understand what most people around me are saying; 3) my hesitancy to do anything that costs money; 4) my embarrassing disease where i get incredibly aroused whenever i see the color orange; and 5) the weather, it's been summer for the last 8 months.

hence, i cut my hair. i follow people on twitter. i check facebook every 18 seconds. i watch the same movies on TNT, TBS, FX, Spike, and USA over and over. i read books that i discarded months ago. i think about jogging. i read random blogs of little interest to me. i watch the behaviors of ants, for a really long time. these things make me sad to admit i do. why do i know all of the characters names on "I Love Money"?! Why do I give a damn about RayJ, an artist I don't even respect, but have now given countable hours of my time to?! I am not proud of any of this. I am not happy about any of these changes. But, i recognize that they are of a necessary balance in order for me to maintain my sanity and my budget.

and isn't that what it's all about, balance? for every thing i am ashamed of, there are two things that bring me pride. spending my time in prayer, and even meditation at times. randomly exercising when the mood hits me. putting in free overtime at work solely for the benefit of my students. going on cyberdates with my lady friend by watching the same movies over the phone (very nice). exploring the island's forests, beaches, cities, and landscapes. coloring. writing songs, and stories. my occasional blogs. i dig all of that.

so, with that said, i need to leave starbucks and find a place where i might be able to find motivation to create the final exams i've been putting off since last monday. here's hoping that the next month is filled with more of the 4th paragraph here than the 3rd.

have a great day.

Clean Socks

I was a better man today.

Maybe not for the entire day, but maybe just for a moment. I was the man that I wanted to be. It was a moment where I was able to look at myself from afar, perceiving myself as someone other than myself. It wasn't much really though, but it was enough for me to be proud for a second, if not the full 5 minutes. I was washing my clothes in a laundromat, and reading a book on the side of the washer machine in a garden chair. That was all. That was what gave me some validation.

It's all relative I suppose. On my day off, I could have been in bed until noon, only waking up to eat breakfast and watch tv, only then to lay down for a nap until 4 (at which point I would only wake up later for dinner). I have sadly had more of those days than I care to count. But yet, the simple nature of this gesture, of this moment, gave me a sense of pride, as I was able to extend myself beyond what I could have done, to actions that were not necessary nor essential to the day.

Is it wrong to take pride in this? Is it immoral to take pride in initiative? Does it take away whatever aspect of being a "better man" that I just proclaimed myself to have become, if only for a moment.

Regardless, it has transpired to a domino effect of productivity and progress toward aspects of my life that I often overlook. Washing the dishes, writing my lesson plans for the week, grading papers at home, calling random people to keep in touch, picking lentballs out of my hairbrush, flossing, naming stars, and a host of other arbitrary things that normally don't get done until I absolutely have to do them.

What's more, the more I read, the more I write. It's like taking my narrative voice to the gym, as I often say.

PS. I saw a man a few days ago chatting on the internet using sign language via video connection and thought it was awesome. Awesome that we had the technology to accommodate such necessities in this day and age.

that's all. write more later.

have a nice day.

puerto rico #6

during spring break, my budget couldn't really handle a trip anywhere. then i realized that i lived in puerto rico. the following pictures are things that i came across that came out better than i expected.

dig conversations

"what are you up to tonight?" she said.

"you want the sunday school answer, or the real answer?" i replied.

"hm...a blend of the both, be creative," she said

"i can't on wednesday's. it's hump day. i spend all week just trying to get to this point. the rest of the week i can coast through. i can be creative tomorrow. thursday's are usually good for creativity," i said.

"didn't we have a conversation about that once? about how thursday's are your favorite day?" she said.

"sure did. everyone looks forward to friday, thursday is the prelude. the introduction to the end. it's the ultimate chill day. that moment just in between a deep inhale and a long exhale. when you know you can breath again," i said.

"indeed. it's also the 4th weekday. i like the number 4, it's nice and even. like the number 2. the number 2 and the number 4 are my favorite numbers. they represent a wholeness and balance that can't be found with most other numbers," she said.

"...my favorite number is 3. so put that in your blowhole," i said.

she said, "that's what she said".

"ha, i actually just saw an office episode the other day. a woman was parking her SUV and was scraping the sides of the cars next to her. she looked out the window and exclaimed "it's too tight - i have to find another spot to put it in!" i said.

"haha, hilarious, i have yet to check out the office. do you have any episodes?" she asked.

i replied, "i have to check, i might. it came on after family guy on TBS last night."

[insert 30 minute conversation on family guy]

"...but what i can't understand why American Dad would have the same format and setup as Family Guy but exclude the random flashbacks and tangents. they're taking out the very element of Family Guy, while simultaneously trying to make it just like Family Guy, it doesn't make sense," she said.

i said, "i think they're still trying to figure out their audience. it seems like a satire about post-9/11 fear-invoked patriotism in America, but still within the framework of Family Guy randomness. maybe they're playing it safe until they find their base. or maybe the show is just stupid...wait...didn't you ask me something earlier?" i said.

"..."

"..."

"...we talked about numbers..."

"...favorite days of the week?..."

"ooh...i asked you what you were doing tonight!" she exclaimed.

"oh yeah!" i said, "hm, sunday school answer - grading papers. real answer - nothing."

"...wow, we really have to work on our conversation skills," she says.

"nah," i say, "i dig our conversations."

"good," she says, "me too."

let's sell this...

i'm not sure how i feel about this. but i guess it fits in there with the daughter's beanie baby dolls, the presidential interviews during the superbowl, and being on the cover of enteraintment weekly. it's as random as it is cool. it's as shameful as it is affective. this family has become universally marketable. you put their face on it and it sells. you mention them within the fabric of anything and it grabs your attention, good or bad. Michelle's toned arms secrets, Barack's sunglasses, Malia's hair products, Sasha's missing teeth. there's something for everyone in the Obama store. on sale until 2012, or until the next big thing (my vote is American Idol's top three in the coming months, or the rising trend in edible boxershorts).