by what mean

i feel myself getting older. technology passing by me in a way that makes me apathetic. i used to spend hours in the gadget stores. but now i feel like i'm barely keeping up. website creation is becoming second nature to the kids now, cpu programming is a cinch. programs, apps, platforms, operating systems, they are all being updated on a monthly, if not weekly basis. and if it's indeed daily, then it further shows how far out of the loop i am.

i want to create something awesome.

but i'm not a musician. i'm not an artist. i'm not even a writer.

what can i create? how can i make something out of a blank screen or canvas that represents the totality of the world that i envision - the project that consistently takes place in my mind. there is a concert, a film, a book, an album, and a design all sitting dormant in my brain. they are all rolled into one though, like a ball of variously colored rubber bands. and though i seek to find the right avenue in which to expose them, none seem to do justice. and so, i find myself reclusive of my vision. actualization seems impossible...just out of my grasp.

snapshot

things got so serious all of a sudden, didn't they.

i'm not sure when exactly, but, i feel that i've been chasing that which i had. of course, that which i had is gone now, but was it only a matter of location? or job? or certain friends?

i found myself looking through some pictures stored on my old computer. pictures i hadn't seen in years. since i uploaded them on the hard drive really. and as i was going through them, i realized that, i was really happy when i was living in new york.

of course though, this could be for a number of reasons. but ultimately, i feel like i was so happy because it was an escape. here, in atlanta, i feel the pressure to be a certain somebody. i feel like i'm expected by various individuals and entities to answer a calling on my life that i actually believe to be true, but have yet to really step up to. you see, my image of a minister is that which i know from being raised in the church, and that which i want it to be in my own opinion. as such, it requires some lifestyle changes for myself. and here in atlanta, it also means picking up certain allegiances and obligations that i couldn't care less about. it means subscribing to the family drama of churches and battles of loyalty. it means not hanging out at the bar without getting judged or having to supervise my image. it means being ever cognizant of my actions, as a role model and public figure of the community. it means sacrifice, to pick up the habits of that which i do not know. and to be honest, that frightens me.

but it's not just that though. i can't sit here in all honesty and blame ministry as to why i'm not living like i used to. it took a long time for me to cultivate a sense of family and friends in new york. it wasn't always so peachy. i suppose though (and excuse me, this is just me thinking as i type), i suppose it could just be that coming back to atlanta is not what i thought it would be. the network and friends that i thought i had, i just don't. and now i've been gone from nyc so long i don't think i have it there either.

sigh, i dare not look a gift horse in the mouth though. i have great friends here in atlanta. my girlfriend is awesome, the friends i have here are the truth, and i really do have fun times here. i do. i'm not talking about the quality of life i feel here. no, on the contrary, i am living well back here in atlanta. right now though, i am referring to how i feel. i feel like, like, like i'm in limbo. like i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. i feel like i was happy as a teacher. i feel like i'd be happy as a minister. but right now i'm not doing either, because of making the transition from one to the other. it's not the smooth transition i thought, and that i hoped, it would be.

why isn't it?

no one told me that it would be. but, i suppose i figured that if God ordained a path for me to take and walk upon, that path would be made plain, that it would be made available to me. i figured i wouldn't have so many questions, or so many doubts. i didn't think it would be this...uncomfortable. i question whether or not i should move again, or not go to seminary, or go to a different seminary, or any other host of random questions that might make this journey make sense.

because it doesn't right now.

right now it feels like my soul has it's shoe's on the wrong feet. thankful that it has shoes at all, it doesn't want to complain, or question the quality of the shoes, but can't shake the feeling that it may not be right. is this how my life is supposed to feel right now? like i'm wearing my shirt backwards? like the milk in my cereal might be a day too old? like going through the day wondering if i cut off the iron before i left home?

am i supposed to feel like that daily?

especially when i used to feel like i could fly? when i used to feel like i could see the lights of life right before my eyes. when there was no weight in the world, and the sense of obligations and allegiances were too far away to matter. when life was a blur, only captured by brief moments of camera stills and conversations with old friends. why don't i feel that now? why don't i feel like life is simple anymore, or as small as it used to be? why don't i feel at home in the place i call home?

some would argue that it's just a matter of growing up. some would argue that it's high time i was pulled down from the idealistic ninth cloud i was renting for so long. some would even argue that the path of a minister is as such. worse before it gets better.

my hope is that it's neither of these things. i hope that what i'm going through is what any and everyone goes through when they break from what they know to connect to something new. like a toothbrush, or a pair of shoes - even if they are on the wrong feet. i hope that it's a matter of breaking in a new path in life, very different from my old one. i hope that i find as much freedom and comfort as i remember having, or more, or different, or of more significance.

these are but hopes though. hopes that i'm doing the right thing. and not making a mistake.

because sometimes, it sure feels like it.

write. read. live. again.

funny how when someone close to you recommends something, you ignore it; and yet, when someone else recommends the same thing, it is all of a sudden an epiphany.

my mom told me i should be writing all of my experiences down to refer to later. my old Shakespeare professor said the same, and now i feel that it's a great idea. this makes me a jerk son. i called mom later and told her thanks for all the good advice through the years. so at least now i'm a thankful jerk.

that's a start.

the specifics

i should write what i'm thinking right now. if for no other reason than to look back on it years from now and laugh, or wonder, or cry, or something. hindsight always paints things in such a pleasant hue. just today, i was reflecting on how much i miss teaching in new york city, and i do. then i read a blog entry about how tired i was and how i wish i could find a job where i could make my own schedule. ha, irony.

but i digress.

the following is a problem without a solution:

i want to be a preacher and teacher. to be more specific, i want to be a professor, God wants me to be a preacher. to be even more specific, i will probably be both either way it goes. so, thankfully, the question of "which?" is not the problem.

the question, rather, is "how?", or, more specifically, "what path?"

you see, i have been accepted into Emory University's seminary program (thank you, i'm excited), starting this fall. yet, i'm accepted into their Masters of Divinity MDiv program, which is tailored for those going into ministry for their main profession, which i probably need. it's a three-year program. subsequently, they also have a Masters of Theological Studies MTS program, which is tailored for those preparing to go into a academic profession (teacher or researcher), which I would love. this program is two years.

yes, i'm clear that within either program, i can tweak what i need to be able to suit my amibitions either way. that's what makes this most difficult. i want to pursue a PhD, so that's more geared towards the MTS program. i want to be a good minister, so that's more MDiv. i want to be a professor - MTS. i want to be involved with community development through church organization - MDiv. i'd much rather two years than three - MTS. i'd like to learn hebrew to interpret old testement scriptures - MDiv.

to be more specific, i know i need a degree to teach on a college level, so thats more MTS. yet, if i am ever called to be a pastor, a MDiv will be more appropriate.

this is what is keeping me up at 3am this fine january morning. the leaning right now is to go for a MDiv with a concentration on Biblical Interpretations (the Hebrew thing), which will be much like getting the degree for being a minister, with a heavy focus on academic research and theology - the likes of which may serve as a good foundation for a PhD in religion and grounds for professorship.

we'll see.

the weight of this decision carries that of the same weight of any other. it will forever determine the friends i make. the relationships i form. the doors that are opened. the opportunities that are closed. the direction of my life and the lives that i affect for years to come.

it's kinda interesting to look back at these decisions before they're made and understand at least one of the two paths and the destination that came of it. hence, i write this. and granted that you're reading this years ahead from now, just think of ironic everything turned out. think of how everything just seemed to fall in place, coming from this point where you couldn't even figure out the first step. that's the blessing of all of it. that's how specific it all really is. every detail.

go on to bed, don't lose any more sleep over it. it will all be ok. goodnight. goodnight indeed.

the lack of ups and downs

the ups and downs will come. yet, for some reason, when things seem too good, we feel as though it should come at a price. "ups" without "downs" seems implausible. seems surreal. we get the notion that it shouldn't be; that's it's just not right. we may even get the urge to manufacture turmoil solely to validate that which seems too good to be true. or maybe that's just me.

you see, it's hard to believe that happiness just arrives at your doorstep. it's difficult to imagine that joy can come so freely. in all facets of storytelling, be it book, films, song, or folklore, happiness comes only after struggle; only after the conflict has been resolved. even when said tales begin in a happy setting, it is succeeded by struggle or despair to be overcome, only to arrive to happiness again in the end. is that the story of life? or is that simply the art of storytelling?

the ups and downs will come. i'm sure. that's been the pattern so far. it's just that, when the "up" seems so sudden, and so...tailored, it gets a bit scary. it's as if the "down" may come just as quickly. it's like expecting a drop at any second because you're aware of how high you've gotten in such a short amount of time.

i know, i know, i shouldn't be focused on the fear. and i won't, i pseudo promise. but, one can't help but wonder. right? i mean, when such a positive thing comes out of no where, you have to wonder what you did to deserve it. or if you even deserve it at all.

i'm sure i don't. so i'll just have to be sure to remember that. through the ups and downs and all the time in between. because that's what 'happy' is, isn't it?