the specifics

i should write what i'm thinking right now. if for no other reason than to look back on it years from now and laugh, or wonder, or cry, or something. hindsight always paints things in such a pleasant hue. just today, i was reflecting on how much i miss teaching in new york city, and i do. then i read a blog entry about how tired i was and how i wish i could find a job where i could make my own schedule. ha, irony.

but i digress.

the following is a problem without a solution:

i want to be a preacher and teacher. to be more specific, i want to be a professor, God wants me to be a preacher. to be even more specific, i will probably be both either way it goes. so, thankfully, the question of "which?" is not the problem.

the question, rather, is "how?", or, more specifically, "what path?"

you see, i have been accepted into Emory University's seminary program (thank you, i'm excited), starting this fall. yet, i'm accepted into their Masters of Divinity MDiv program, which is tailored for those going into ministry for their main profession, which i probably need. it's a three-year program. subsequently, they also have a Masters of Theological Studies MTS program, which is tailored for those preparing to go into a academic profession (teacher or researcher), which I would love. this program is two years.

yes, i'm clear that within either program, i can tweak what i need to be able to suit my amibitions either way. that's what makes this most difficult. i want to pursue a PhD, so that's more geared towards the MTS program. i want to be a good minister, so that's more MDiv. i want to be a professor - MTS. i want to be involved with community development through church organization - MDiv. i'd much rather two years than three - MTS. i'd like to learn hebrew to interpret old testement scriptures - MDiv.

to be more specific, i know i need a degree to teach on a college level, so thats more MTS. yet, if i am ever called to be a pastor, a MDiv will be more appropriate.

this is what is keeping me up at 3am this fine january morning. the leaning right now is to go for a MDiv with a concentration on Biblical Interpretations (the Hebrew thing), which will be much like getting the degree for being a minister, with a heavy focus on academic research and theology - the likes of which may serve as a good foundation for a PhD in religion and grounds for professorship.

we'll see.

the weight of this decision carries that of the same weight of any other. it will forever determine the friends i make. the relationships i form. the doors that are opened. the opportunities that are closed. the direction of my life and the lives that i affect for years to come.

it's kinda interesting to look back at these decisions before they're made and understand at least one of the two paths and the destination that came of it. hence, i write this. and granted that you're reading this years ahead from now, just think of ironic everything turned out. think of how everything just seemed to fall in place, coming from this point where you couldn't even figure out the first step. that's the blessing of all of it. that's how specific it all really is. every detail.

go on to bed, don't lose any more sleep over it. it will all be ok. goodnight. goodnight indeed.

the lack of ups and downs

the ups and downs will come. yet, for some reason, when things seem too good, we feel as though it should come at a price. "ups" without "downs" seems implausible. seems surreal. we get the notion that it shouldn't be; that's it's just not right. we may even get the urge to manufacture turmoil solely to validate that which seems too good to be true. or maybe that's just me.

you see, it's hard to believe that happiness just arrives at your doorstep. it's difficult to imagine that joy can come so freely. in all facets of storytelling, be it book, films, song, or folklore, happiness comes only after struggle; only after the conflict has been resolved. even when said tales begin in a happy setting, it is succeeded by struggle or despair to be overcome, only to arrive to happiness again in the end. is that the story of life? or is that simply the art of storytelling?

the ups and downs will come. i'm sure. that's been the pattern so far. it's just that, when the "up" seems so sudden, and so...tailored, it gets a bit scary. it's as if the "down" may come just as quickly. it's like expecting a drop at any second because you're aware of how high you've gotten in such a short amount of time.

i know, i know, i shouldn't be focused on the fear. and i won't, i pseudo promise. but, one can't help but wonder. right? i mean, when such a positive thing comes out of no where, you have to wonder what you did to deserve it. or if you even deserve it at all.

i'm sure i don't. so i'll just have to be sure to remember that. through the ups and downs and all the time in between. because that's what 'happy' is, isn't it?