things got so serious all of a sudden, didn't they.i'm not sure when exactly, but, i feel that i've been chasing that which i had. of course, that which i had is gone now, but was it only a matter of location? or job? or certain friends?
i found myself looking through some pictures stored on my old computer. pictures i hadn't seen in years. since i uploaded them on the hard drive really. and as i was going through them, i realized that, i was really happy when i was living in new york.
of course though, this could be for a number of reasons. but ultimately, i feel like i was so happy because it was an escape. here, in atlanta, i feel the pressure to be a certain somebody. i feel like i'm expected by various individuals and entities to answer a calling on my life that i actually believe to be true, but have yet to really step up to. you see, my image of a minister is that which i know from being raised in the church, and that which i want it to be in my own opinion. as such, it requires some lifestyle changes for myself. and here in atlanta, it also means picking up certain allegiances and obligations that i couldn't care less about. it means subscribing to the family drama of churches and battles of loyalty. it means not hanging out at the bar without getting judged or having to supervise my image. it means being ever cognizant of my actions, as a role model and public figure of the community. it means sacrifice, to pick up the habits of that which i do not know. and to be honest, that frightens me.
but it's not just that though. i can't sit here in all honesty and blame ministry as to why i'm not living like i used to. it took a long time for me to cultivate a sense of family and friends in new york. it wasn't always so peachy. i suppose though (and excuse me, this is just me thinking as i type), i suppose it could just be that coming back to atlanta is not what i thought it would be. the network and friends that i thought i had, i just don't. and now i've been gone from nyc so long i don't think i have it there either.
sigh, i dare not look a gift horse in the mouth though. i have great friends here in atlanta. my girlfriend is awesome, the friends i have here are the truth, and i really do have fun times here. i do. i'm not talking about the quality of life i feel here. no, on the contrary, i am living well back here in atlanta. right now though, i am referring to how i feel. i feel like, like, like i'm in limbo. like i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. i feel like i was happy as a teacher. i feel like i'd be happy as a minister. but right now i'm not doing either, because of making the transition from one to the other. it's not the smooth transition i thought, and that i hoped, it would be.
why isn't it?
no one told me that it would be. but, i suppose i figured that if God ordained a path for me to take and walk upon, that path would be made plain, that it would be made available to me. i figured i wouldn't have so many questions, or so many doubts. i didn't think it would be this...uncomfortable. i question whether or not i should move again, or not go to seminary, or go to a different seminary, or any other host of random questions that might make this journey make sense.
because it doesn't right now.
right now it feels like my soul has it's shoe's on the wrong feet. thankful that it has shoes at all, it doesn't want to complain, or question the quality of the shoes, but can't shake the feeling that it may not be right. is this how my life is supposed to feel right now? like i'm wearing my shirt backwards? like the milk in my cereal might be a day too old? like going through the day wondering if i cut off the iron before i left home?
am i supposed to feel like that daily?
especially when i used t
o feel like i could fly? when i used to feel like i could see the lights of life right before my eyes. when there was no weight in the world, and the sense of obligations and allegiances were too far away to matter. when life was a blur, only captured by brief moments of camera stills and conversations with old friends. why don't i feel that now? why don't i feel like life is simple anymore, or as small as it used to be? why don't i feel at home in the place i call home?some would argue that it's just a matter of growing up. some would argue that it's high time i was pulled down from the idealistic ninth cloud i was renting for so long. some would even argue that the path of a minister is as such. worse before it gets better.
my hope is that it's neither of these things. i hope that what i'm going through is what any and everyone goes through when they break from what they know to connect to something new. like a toothbrush, or a pair of shoes - even if they are on the wrong feet. i hope that it's a matter of breaking in a new path in life, very different from my old one. i hope that i find as much freedom and comfort as i remember having, or more, or different, or of more significance.
these are but hopes though. hopes that i'm doing the right thing. and not making a mistake.
because sometimes, it sure feels like it.
